From Dave Gabel
Follow the link and then the instructions (pretty simple really). http://www.baucomm.com/valhalla/mc_sounds.swf

From various members

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings" The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate



The Amish and the Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled her way up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small chamber. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers began to light in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son........ "Go get your mother."



A wealthy old person decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking a faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly,"Boy,that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet,and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience! If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. Happy trails to you.


Pregnant Blonde
God Bless the Blondes! You have to love them...
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said" Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
"I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said,
.
.
.
.
(You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"


The Dinner
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."


Subject: Fw: The Drunk
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.



Old Harold's In The Hospital

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bedside stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ."

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!



The Bronze Rat
An Aussie tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".

The tourist gives the man $12 and says, I'll just take the rat, you keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street.

This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "you've come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Harley Rider."



THE PASTOR'S ASS
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: "Pastor's Ass Shows" The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won!

The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front" The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read: " Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass "

The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town" The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00" After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free"

The bishop was buried the next day



Benny the Motorcyclist
Once upon a time there was a young man named Benny. Benny loved motorcycles and riding motorcycles, but he was just a so-so rider. Whenever Benny and his friends would go on a ride, Benny was always at the rear of the pack, and he was always the last one to get to the bar at the end of the day. Everyone made fun of Benny, and suggested that he get a Spagthorp. However, this is another story.

One day when Benny was driving his cage (a Volvo of course) he spotted an old rusty Harley on the side of the road in some brush. Benny stopped, and thinking the Harley would make a good restoration project, loaded the bike into the car.

Later that evening when Benny was polishing the tank of the Harley a strange thing happened. A genie rose out of the tank and granted Benny a single wish. Benny thought about it, and finally wished that he could be the greatest motorcycle rider in the world. The genie said, "No problem, but there is a condition." (there always is) The condition was that Benny could never shave as long as he lived. If he did, the genie would return and change Benny into a Grecian Urn. Benny said, "Okay."

The next day Benny didn't feel any different, but when he and his friends went riding, Benny was the fastest rider in the group. Nobody could keep up with him. Even when Benny rode his FatBoy Harley the goofs were left in his dust. Everyone was amazed. Benny got a job riding GP bikes for MotoGuzzi, and never lost a race. He was revered the world over as the greatest motorcycle rider of all time.

However, Benny's beard was growing quite long, and would sometimes get tangled in the chain of his bike. Also, it got in the way of love making, and generally became intolerable. It had been a long time since Benny had seen the genie so he thought, "What the heck. I'll shave." No sooner than Benny had finished shaving, the genie appeared and said, "Benny, I warned you." The genie waved his arms, and after the smoke cleared there sat a Grecian Urn where Benny had been.

The moral of the story is: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned.
anon



One Saturday morning a motorcycle rider gets up early, dresses quietly, eats his breakfast, puts on his long johns, grabs helmet and goes to the garage to warm up his bike and head down to his favorite two-lanes. He roles his bike out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later he puts his bike in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid-a$ husband is out riding in this?" Thank you and keep them coming...PS.......I do have to restrict some jokes